I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
