what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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