paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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