i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
