I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize