I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
