Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
