I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
