My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
