You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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