I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
i think im in europe. pls send help
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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