Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
birth control should be required to get into college
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Your shirt... Was in my pants
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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