Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
