We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize