I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
