Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
