i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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