We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
