tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
