tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
