Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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