hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
