OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize