If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
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