I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
