I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
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