Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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