i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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