sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
