this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
