life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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