We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
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