i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
