i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
That reminds me...we need to get swords
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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