She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize