seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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