No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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