I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
