can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Define "chronic" masturbator.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
