I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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