i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
