remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
