we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
