Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
