Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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