I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
