My friends, they love my intelligence
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize