im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize