I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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