My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
