just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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