either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
