Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
