he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
