I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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