I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
