a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize