I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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