We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Randomize
