He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
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